autofish.net > guestbook > elephant jokes
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want. It can't hear you.
Q: Why do elephants stand on marshmallows?
A: So they won't fall in the hot chocolate.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because if it were small, white, and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside-out elephant.
Q: What's grey and not there?
A: No elephants.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold its nose until it turns blue and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell it a dirty joke so it turns red, suffocate it until it turns blue, and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How do you get an elephant into a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and have the elephant stand on it.
Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait until autumn.
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: Why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four: two in the front and two in the back.
Q: How many elephants can you fit into a VW bug?
A: Four: two in the front and two in the back.
Q: How do you get an elephant in a VW bug?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, and close the door.
Q: How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, and close the fridge.
Q: How do you know that an elephant is in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know that two elephants are in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know that three elephants are in your fridge?
A: You can't close the door.
Q: How do you know that four elephants are in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
Q: How do you get eight elephants into a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW bug and four in another VW bug, and put both VWs in the fridge.
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.
Q: The lion gathered all the animals for a meeting, and all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there.
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free parking.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant to work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: How do you know that an elephant is at a pub?
A: Its bike is outside.
Q: How do you know that two elephants are at a pub?
A: There's a dent in the bicycle's cross-bar.
Q: How do you know that three elephants are at a pub?
A: Stand on the bike and look in the window.
Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: How do you know that an elephant is under your bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: They don't fit on ironing boards.
Q: What does a baby elephant become after she is five weeks old?
A: Six weeks old.
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q: Why do ostriches stick their heads in the sand?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a blueberry?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there are 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was colorblind.)
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants wearing sunglasses coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of bananas . . .
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamping out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamping out flaming ducks.
Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?
A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.
Q: Why are frogs so short?
A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: That's when the elephants practice parachute jumping.
Q: What's a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Q: Does it work?
A: Have you ever found an elephant in your custard?
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: Why do elephants lie on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
Q: How do you pass an elephant under a door?
A: Put it in an envelope and slide it under.
Q: What if the envelop doesn't fit?
A: Remove the stamp and try again.
Patient: "Doctor, I keep seeing pink and yellow elephants."
Doctor: "Have you seen a psychiatrist?"
Patient: "No, only pink and yellow elephants."
